|The day before I delivered.|
Trust me there were no unicorns or rainbows
that guided me peacefully through my pregnancy!
- One of the first symptoms is 'Morning Sickness,' which then becomes 'noon, night and the rest of your pregnancy sickness.'
- You will cry over anything, anytime, anywhere.
- Your daydreams will not be about your baby or fairy tales... they will be about ripping people’s faces off.
- Strangers are going to touch you, and this is completely legal when you are pregnant. Yes, they are going to reach right out, rub on your belly and tell you some sort of personal story about a friend or family member's pregnancy, and the seriously crazy thing is that, most likely, you will just stand there and take it with a smile.
- Your significant other will remain #1 on your sh!t list for the duration of your pregnancy.
- Think you are only going to gain a few pounds and exercise everyday? Yeah, good luck with that...20-60 pounds are coming, deal with it. This pregnancy is not about your butt, it's about growing a healthy baby.
- Refuse to use a public restroom? Do they disgust you? Get ready for some life changing experiences. By week 12, you will pee anywhere. Including the uni-sex toilets in a dark alley behind a gas station. Tip: Keep a travel size roll of toilet paper in your handbag for ill equipped places, i.e. guardrails, inservice bathroom, bushes behind church because the line is too long to wait...
- Expect lethal air to flow from your body for months. Seriously. Your pregnancy induced flatulence will flush out an entire movie theater.
- Don't worry, it's not only you, every pregnant can't push out a poop without cussing and sweating, a lot, first.
- By about week 33, you will loose your mouth filter. Completely.
- Warning, it's entirely possible that your butt and breast will grow at the same rate as your belly. Oh, and your feet are going to grow at least a full size. Think of it as your body trying to balance its self.
- You will be so exhausted from the second you wake up until the second you fall asleep.
- Tylenol PM and milk make up the new Friday night happy hour special. It's your best and probably only chance at six hours of sleep.
- Headaches and back pain will constantly fight each other for your attention.
- Beware of fried and spicy foods, the heart burn and indigestion they create is, well... worse than the fiery pits of hell, which you will think is inside your belly.
- The baby will absorb your brain, thus leaving you a mindless twit. TIP: keep an extra set of car keys and house keys on hand for mindless moments.
- Your food cravings will be not be so much about crazy combos, but more like obsessive need for something. Beware, trips to the nearest ice cream place can be come a habit, so if they have a frequency card, SIGN UP!
- Towards the last two months, if it feels like your baby is doing jumping jacks on your bladder, attempting to pry your rib cage apart and kick boxing all night long, good news, That's normal! The bad news is you might as well say good bye to a good night's sleep. Don't be surprised if by the 9th month you will have mastered the art of sleeping sitting up, because that will be the only way you sleep.
- If by week 33 you are so stuffed full of baby you can barely breathe, don't worry, even though you are sure of it, you won't suffocate.
- Pregnancy lasts ten months, not nine. Don't worry... it does eventually end, and it's totally worth it.