- You are not EVER EVER EVER going to sleep well again. EVER, for the rest of your life, (Bonus Lesson 1.1 Set your expectations low, so you will find sweet solace once in a while)
- During the first few months, if you sleep more than 3 hours solid you should buy a lottery ticket, because you are the luckiest person alive that day. And I mean THAT day, because it will not happen again, any time soon.
- Don't even think you are going to get a "good night's sleep," during the first few months either. You are just going to get some sleep, at some point, for an undetermined amount of time. Your baby will wake up after going to sleep just for shits and giggles (It will give you the shits, he will giggle) at any hour he feels, as many times as he wants.
- Months 3-6 you may sleep more than 3 hours at this point, but it will never be during a set routine time. You are welcome to give the Cry-it-Out method a shot, but unless you have the heart of serial killer, and the ears of a deaf mute, it's probably going to tear you apart inside to hear your baby screaming, so, for the time being, just learn to love the sleep where you can get it.
- If at any point you let your sweet bundle of joy into your bed with you for consecutive days, you are screwed. Your sweet bundle will become a bed hogging bastard. Yes, I mean bastard, because your partner will cease to exist in your bed, you will find him on the couch getting the only good night sleep in the house.
- The cry-it-out method is from hell. You are to put your baby into his crib and leave to let him cry himself to sleep. Normally, this lasts for ten or more minutes, three or more nights in a row, before he learns to self sooth himself to sleep. You will insists you will never try this. Until you loose your mind from the crazy sleep cycle, break down and give it a go. Depending on your pain threshold, you may not be successful at sticking it out the first hundred times. Seek support.
This may be the most painful lesson to learn, for both you and baby. Do not be surprised if your first lesson in baby becoming mobile, is falling off the couch or bed. It happens to 99% of us. The day comes when your baby is no longer where you left her when you come back into the room. Once both of you have dried your tears, the first part of the lesson has been learned, baby must be watched at all times, and start baby proofing your ass off!