My 26 weeks of pregnancy experience...
I hate my husband. I had no idea what a wussy moron I married until I became pregnant. Here is a poem, written in his honor:
Roses are red, I wouldn't know for sure,
As you stopped bringing them once you "knocked me up"
As a man you feel your job is done, but you can't get your much needed sleep
Over my puking in the next room during the first trimester. Poor you.
Your voice, as annoying as hell.
Sheer fingernails on a chalkboard, with that twinge of east coast whining
and why oh why must you INSIST
on breathing your wretched breath on me at night?
Alas, I have a solution!
While you slumber, so peacefully at night...
I shall kick you very hard under the covers every time I am awake
Just because I can. (Until I realize I was actually kicking the dog the past few weeks, now I cry)
Do you really not notice that the bathroom is filthy?
Do you not see how you can not manage to hit the toilet?
It is easier for you to bend down and clean up your own pee, then pregnant me.
People say, that the husbands develop pregnancy symptoms too.
I had no idea that sleeping all of the time were one of them....
Now NOTHING gets done around the house, with both of us sleeping constantly
And still, you f*cking breath on me!
Another symptom of my pregnancy, so easily shouldered by you
is eating. All of my food. My food. Mine.
I love craving something I have just bought at the store,
Only to discover how you happily ate it because of YOUR cravings.
I've only threatened you with divorce a dozen times,
Your mother tells you I'm not serious,
Perhaps SHE can come take around the garbage on Tuesdays,
While you slumber...All....Day....Long and forget your one damn weekly job.
Thank you for cleaning the cat boxes, especially since two of the cats are yours.
I am so sorry you have to feed them, too, as the smell of their food
has me yakking for hours. I know how difficult it is,
For you to pull your lazy ass out of bed and feed them.
Your driving skills
leave a lot to be desired.
I DO think that you
are trying to kill your unborn son and me.
Alas, there is a dim light at the end of tunnel
In 14 weeks to be exact.
I'll be able to drop this kid,
And sweep the house for the first time in 9 whole months.
In 14 weeks, can't come soon enough
I'll replace the burned out bulb in the kitchen
that you insist you can see fine without
And I'll stop tripping in the dark.
In 14 weeks, it will be such a joy,
to finally mow the lawn!
Not that it's very long,
As you "forgot" to water it all summer during my first trimester.
Other husbands, they are tired too
They also work 40 hours a week,
So non-working man, who sleeps all of the time,
What is your excuse?
I miss my valium.....