Aug 22, 2012

What every expecting mother should know! Part II

(The following are comments posted on by the fabulous readers in response to my "Candy Coated Baby Crap" post." Basically these are the things I forgot in that post ALL expecting moms should know!  Thanks again Shay, Fancy Pants & Alissa!)

1."The kilos just melt away with your first" really means you'll be so stressed out worrying about your baby that you won't have the time or energy to eat so your body just 
goes all saggy and jiggly!

"It gets easier" It doesn't get easier, new worries just crowd out the old ones! Panicking about if baby is warm 25 times a night is clouded over with worrying if baby has rolled themselves under the covers, or had a nappy explosion that they're playing in. 

"Dress comfortably' really means something you're not likely to fall out of/over, and that hides baby vomit stains."

"Breastfeeding is a challenge, but so worth it." Hmmph, I'm still pissy at the people that told me this one lol. For me, it really meant 'breastfeeding will be excruciating, literally rip your nipple off and leave your baby very sick, but it's easier than getting lectures from midwives and random do-gooders at the mall.'
'Neutral colours look so good in babies rooms' really means browns are great for hiding pee and poop stains"

When baby sh*ts on you, pees in your face or vomits down your bra, it doesn't matter because they're your baby, so it's kinda sweet'. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. I have worn baby crap as a nail polish, hand cream, lip gloss (not my finest moment, I'll admit) and I have been peed on more times than I can count, and I tell ya now, it is NOT cute! I still do an oh-so-glamorous gaggy face when confronted with a nasty nappy load or find a smudge of baby by-product somewhere that it shouldn't be


2. 1. Sleep deprivation, I believe my mum warned me of this bit but never told me I would feel like I have had derby weekend for close to 4 months now, how did I ever party so damn hard and still not feel this tired? 

2. Mood swings, NO ONE told me about the rapid decent of hormones and the following mood swings which follow, even 4 months out I am still going through this.

3. Post partum depression. They should really tell you about this before you deliver instead of making you take that survey when you are euphoric from pain meds and pushing 8 pounds out of your yahoo. AND they should warn your partner of this as well so when they come home from work and you are a mess and crying your eyes out acting crazy while the baby screams they will understand what the hell is going on.

4. Your whole world view shifts, everything becomes a pre cursor to your child. You constantly are thinking of your childs future, it will consume you.

5. The 5000 diaper rule, my BIL told me about this after I had been through about 250 diapers, apparently when you make it to 5000 the battle is halfway done! I'm looking forward to this and so is my bank account.

6. You can never have enough diaper wipes, some changes will require 4 of these, if you need more I suggest holding them under the faucet, much faster and water is much cheaper than a wipe!

7. Your house will end up looking like a daycare, toys, baby stations, you will decorate now for your child, forget about your home looking like a pottery barn advert.

8. Shaving your legs is a major accomplishment and for the first month just showering and brushing your teeth is a miracle if done daily!

9. Childless friends will be scared to hold your baby, the fear of dropping them, making them cry, etc is somehow instilled in them. Don't take it personal, by month 3 you will be shoving that baby in their arms not giving them a chance to say no.

10. Your arms will get a daily workout, along with your back, prepare to wrestle with the child daily after month 3. 

11. All of a sudden you are judge and jury to every other parent in the world, you are now fully in the club and somehow this makes it acceptable to you to tell your partner how bad or good every other parent is. 

12. You swore you would never let the child watch tv in their first months of life but as you realized you can't watch it either this quickly goes by the wayside. Baby now is amused and entertained by the flashy screen and for 15 minutes you get to zone out and live in tv land. 

13. Baby's grow incredibly fast, all those awesome cute outfits you got might be used 3 times in some instances, usually for about an hour because the baby has either spit all over them or had a blow out.

14. You will be doing laundry at least once a day, you will become so efficient at it you will wonder why you could never find anything clean in college.

15. You will never just make a quick run to the store or run inside to pay for your gas again. In fact you will methodically plan out shopping trips tailored to baby's schedule.

16. Throw the birthing books and child rearing books out the window. They will do nothing but create more anxiety and tension for you.

17. Take a damn nap, TAKE A DAMN NAP, DO NOT get up when baby is asleep and try to catch up on housework or anything else. Get over the fact that your house is a mess, refer back to MY HOME NOW LOOKS LIKE A DAYCARE and TAKE A DAMN NAP.

I'm sure I could think of lots more but my sleep deprived mind needs a rest!

-Fancy Pants

3."You won't regret it"... ummm... What is that supposed to mean? Like I could undo everything if I suddenly decided I did regret it. The other thing people would say with regards to hearing screaming or crying babies in public; "You won't mind the screaming and crying when it's your own"... Yes, yes I do mind it when it's my own child whether it's in public or at home.  -Alissa

There are plenty more.... Tomorrow is Part III.

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit