Jan 9, 2012

Things I never would have done if I were not knocked up.

  1. Peed in every seedy toilet that crossed my path
  2. Quit-Cigarettes, booze, caffeine, pooping, sleeping, eating what I want, being nice to my husband, hanging out with my friends-regularly, putting up with bullshit, having a brain, having a memory, having patience, being nice, looking at my body in the mirror, doing my hair and make-up at least 5 days a week, wanting more than one child, having clear skin—Oh you get it, and I’m sure you      can add 100 more things! I just don’t recall anyone warning me about all of this…
  3. Scream obscenities at a nun at a crosswalk crossing the road too slow… Ok so I didn’t do that for real, but I totally think I would if I had to pee and she was in my way.  I have the worst road rage! I promise I didn’t have it at all pre-baby, but now I am like a psycho with four wheels and a lead foot!
  4. Sleep through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years… LAME ASS!
  5. Leave the house in sweatpants with a sweatshirt that far from matches anything else I own, complemented with my favorite slippers.  When I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at Target all I could do was laugh… I had clearly hit rock bottom.
  6. Inhaled an entire bag of Hershey Kisses in an hour. THE WHOLE FRIGGIN BAG! Damn the holidays.
  7. Spent so many sleepless hours freaking out about having a baby, growing up and affording this new mature lifestyle. 
  8. Somehow found myself believing “a cupcake a day will keep the doctor away.”
  9. Thrown so many random objects at my husband…a remote control, a spoon, a cup, a towel, a shirt, a pillow… What? He deserved it at the time! Or at least my pregnancy hormones thought so.
  10. Yelled at my mom, sister, brother, husband and friends... though it always seemed like 10 minutes later I could not for the life of me remember why. No, I am not proud at all… well I am proud of them for still talking to me, they are very kind and forgiving.
  11. Grown an ass and thighs so large I can now apply for my own zip code!
  12. Grown a set of tits most women in California pay $10,000 for.
  13. Spent so many hours reading baby books and other assorted baby stuff,  then freaking myself out with ri-donk-ulous Google searches... that I think I secretly did just to freak myself out.  I should make a list of things a pregnant woman should NEVER EVER Google!
  14. Spent the past 9 months freaking out about whether or not my baby was “still ok in there.” (FYI- DO NOT Google that!)
  15.  Complained so damn much! Bitch-bitch-bitch... Even I annoyed myself with all the crying and whining! Still, pregnancy is not easy, and I don't care what anyone says, it is positively crappy, painful and uncomfortable at times..er.. more than not if yours is anything like mine!
  16. Experienced pregnancy-Good or bad it is still a pass into an elite sisterhood that bonds two women who have absolutely nothing else in common.
  17. Realized that so many things that I thought were important, really are not.  My baby and family are number one, material possessions are not.
  18. Written this blog!
  19. Met so many wonderful women from writing this blog.
  20. Be only three weeks away from having a baby! And I thought I was never going to make it… 

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com


  1. I've never had worse acne and my sculiosis and other back/hip problems have never been worse.

  2. Amen Sister! Make that #21. Acne like a 13 year old and the back and hips of a 90 year old.

  3. Huh. That list could've come from my life - except I am now also an exceptional waddler and grunt-when-moving-er. Ahhh the joys of pregnancy!