Jan 4, 2012

Hello: My name is Fatty Fatty Boom Boom

Whoa! What’s happened to my body over the last 35 weeks? I have stretch marks on the front of my thighs, cellulite on the back of my knees and lower back and everywhere in between. My feet, toes, ankles and fingers are the size of my husbands. I have big bulging breast sprouting from my armpits, yes in addition to the ones on my chest. Do they even make bras for a foursome? I’ve traded my pre-pregnancy love handles for love seats, and my ass is the size of a couch... with pullout bed. Feel free to picture that, add a moon pie face with long blonde hair and you will have me, Miss Fatty Fatty Boom Boom!

Holy crap! With 4 weeks left to go I am terrified of what's next. What else can bulge and protrude that has not already? My feet went from a size 8 to a size 9! My breast grew from a 34B to a 36D… for free! Again, I have 4 Boobies, two with nipples two without. Oh and I also gained an extra chin in the last 4 weeks! So yeah, in 9 months I have some how managed to grow a Siamese twin in addition to my little boy. Unless I can win some sort of award with prize money for that, I’m not really proud of the twin developments.

Yesterday I was so far beyond starving I went to my favorite lunch spot and bought out the place. I ordered my husband a lunch, then my baby a lunch (yes, the one still in my belly) and then me… and then a slice of cheesecake for all three of us…ok for me. When I slid my bounty down to the register, the check out lady looked me up and down and said, “oooh guuurl, you got a little boy in there don’t you?” I nearly started crying because I felt like she just made it ok that I ordered half the menu! She told me she had 2 girls and one boy, and only the boy made her go crazy like me. Yeah, boooy! I waddled out of there with a 20-pound bag of food and my double chins held high! Thank you, thank you, thank you, check out lady!

Oh, and the pregnant waddle is a comedy show for all who see me go by. I even try to tell myself, “don’t waddle, walk straight, pry those thunder thighs apart and increase your stride.” Ok, FYI don’t even bother trying that, because it SO does not work! Waddle on mama you got no other option. Oh and, grunt your ass off too when you sit down, get up and crawl in and out of your car. There are just no other options, well I suppose you can insert cuss words for grunts like I do sometimes…

I still have no idea how much I have gained over the last 9 months. My doctor promises me that I have done remarkably well and not to worry. I asked if she would tell me after the baby was born what the real damage was. She told me she would prefer to wait 6 months after delivery… Oh I am SO SO SO glad I opted out of ever looking at the scale from the beginning. Thank you “Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy,” for letting me know that was an option and probably the very best!

Again, I am not really stoked about carrying around my Siamese twin for a day longer than I have to, BUT I am ok with the weight gain more than I thought I would be. I am about to have a little human to show for all the craziness my emotions and body have gone through. It was all more than worth it! If you are sitting there feeling like a fatty fatty boom boom too, just know it is all just apart of pregnancy and it’s ok. We will be in charge of our bodies again once baby comes out. This is not how we will be forever.

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

1 comment:

  1. You never know how much you've gained even if you think you've gained a lot. I thought I had gained a ton, and I have a double chin now and stretch marks on my BREASTS, but I have only gained a total of fourteen pounds thirty three weeks into this pregnancy. It just seems like a lot. Trust me, my thunder thighs are horrible, but supposedly, I'm barely carrying more than the water and the baby and the extra blood!