Dec 26, 2011

33 weeks... Still tired of being pregnant!

I hate being pregnant!

Over the past few months I have been trying not to constantly post about how completely shit pregnancy is. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but now I have hit my limit, I just cannot contain myself anymore. I started this blog because I hated being pregnant and needed an avenue to vent. I never thought it would be read by anyone, well except my best friend and that’s because she is knocked up too. When I started getting readers I stopped writing so much about it and started trying to be informative as well. I love my readers and want you all to keep reading... Well, I’m sorry but now it’s back to basics, I need to vent. I have 5 weeks left and I am a big fat bored freaking mess of a pregnant woman and I am going to tell you all about it!

I am 33 ½ weeks pregnant and I am stuck in a pregnant suit that keeps me from enjoying my life. Look, I know I am going to have a big beautiful boy to show for all of the shit I have been through, but it doesn’t make the shit hurt any less. I am uncomfortable as hell, I can’t sleep for more than two hours without having to get up to pee and then I have a hell of a time rebuilding my pillow bunker so I can get comfortable enough to get back to sleep. I am sleep deprived and psychotic! I know pregnancy starts to prepare you for motherhood, but seriously why can’t I learn to be sleep deprived when the baby gets here? Do I really need a 40-week running start?!!!

My tail bone feels like it is going to shoot through my butt and my big boy is like a jack hammer in there trying to make it happen! He is also clearly using my bladder as a trampoline and in between jumps shoving his feet and hands into my ribs and round ligaments. But my all time favorite is when I am running to the bathroom to pee, because he has just kung-fu kicked my bladder, but before I make it to the toilet he decides to put my bladder in a scissor grip so only half can be emptied. Then without fail the second I dry my freaking hands he lets go, kicks my bladder again and back to the porcelain pot I go. REALLY???!!!! How is any of the above preparing me for motherhood? What is all the unnecessary roughness for???

My feet, toes and fingers are fat pudgy things that are dry, cracked and throbbing at all times. No amount of lotion and elevation can contain my fat swollen appendages. My calves have swollen so much, boots are a joke and slippers are all I can even deal with wearing. I have cellulite on my back! How is that possible? I look like I was hit with a bag of nickels from mid back down to the backs of my knees. I swear breastfeeding better make that shit go away!

While I’m at it, my back hurts all day no matter what, my breasts are massive and annoyingly in my way, I have not seen my vagina in months (which I hear is a good thing, because if I could I would cry anyways) and my attitude is just plain nasty and obnoxious. My heart burn, acid reflux and indigestion are the work of pure evil, no medication has brought lasting relief. I cannot catch my breath and sleeping sitting up is hateful. EVERY TIME I laugh, cry, cough or sneeze hard... oh I can't even talk about it! Holy Shit I am so over my pregnancy, WTF am I going to do???

I really feel bad bitching now that I have completely fallen in love with this alien blessing that has caused my body to go into a Hell ridden overdrive. I am so grateful for him, and cannot wait to hold him, but seriously I don’t think I could go through this again. Pregnancy down right sucks and is hell on every single tiny aspect of the human body and psyche! I know I have said this before, but “Pregnancy Amnesia” must be some mind-blowing shit! Clearly it must be, because the world is covered in “siblings” not “only children.” God help me if I turn into that crazy ass Duggar lady and make Baby-making my full time job… OMG I cannot even think about it!

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit


  1. As you might have guessed from visiting my blog, I effing HATE pregnancy beyond anything. Like, if it were healthy to have a baby at 31 weeks, I'd pull this baby out NOW. Hell, last time? I got a BLOOD CLOT which required twice daily injections of blood thinners and a week long hospital stay of misery.

    And yet? I'm on my second pregnancy. Here's what happens. The second my baby was born, pregnancy dropped out of my head. All I could think about was the perfection that was my son and his cuteness. I'd cuddle him and snuggle with him and kiss his tiny cheeks and hands and feet and fall deeper in love every single second.

    THEN, he started to outgrow the night feedings, and the tiny outfits, and the milestones meaning he'd moved on from being my baby to my toddler to my preschooler. And I wept at these milestones even as I was proud of him. And I kept thinking, "I want another. I want another." So, what did I do? I had another.

    And I'm effing miserable AGAIN! This is definitely my last as I'm getting older (35), but I know that when this baby outgrows things, I'm going to weep into her little sweet skin and think longingly of another newborn.

  2. So that's how it works... enough time passes to forget the pregnancy discomfort... or at the very least the yearning for another infant overrides the distaste for pregnancy. ; )

    P.s. Hope you are feeling better Miss Nija Kitten!