Nov 14, 2011

Pregnancy= RAGE!

Ok, It’s official I am a psychotic, hormonal, raving lunatic! I need help, I eat a huge bowl of mean and nasty for breakfast, later have remorseful for a snack, back to a plate psycho for lunch, then eat huge bowls of tired-cranky-bitch for a mid-day snack and dinner. I feel so sorry for anyone who crosses my path without a smile and a willingness to do exactly what I want, how I want. Nine times out of ten, I drop the psycho bomb before I notice it’s missing!

My sister was a nasty preggie with her second, and when I remind her that she was a meanie too, she just responds with, “I was pregnant with #2 when #1 was 10 months old.” That apparently makes it all ok, but since this is my first I “should be over the moon with euphoria and sweet as pie”… well STICK IT! IM STOKED BUT A HUGE BITCH TOO!!!

Here is a list of why I should be locked up in a padded room for the next 12 weeks…

  1. My ROAD RAGE- Oh my, I have crossed the line and should not be allowed behind the wheel of a car until I can control my self. I am nuts, I scream, honk, use hand gestures, drive eratically... I'm unsafe I'll admit it, and I drive for my job, how scary is that? This is a true story, one that I am not proud of…
I was at Macy’s the other day and stalked two old women out of the store to get their spot. I knew I would have to wait awhile for them to actually pull out of the spot, so I turned on my turning signal and checked my “Words With Friends.” The next thing I know, this women pulls around the corner and turns on her turning signal. Mind you, this is at least 2 minutes into my wait… I shook my head at her, and she stared me down. ARE YOU “eFFFing” KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!!! When the car backed out, it did it in such a way the lady was able to pull into the spot before me. WARNING: It’s about to get UGLY! I floored my car at hers, holding down the horn and at the last minute turned the wheel, rolled down my passenger window and Lost the Plot on this woman. “I DON”T KNOW WHAT “eFFing” PLANET YOU ARE FROM, BUT WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE WAITING FOR A SPOT…. “ You all... I think I made this woman shit her pants! I lost it, dropped the “F” bomb on her every other word, and sometimes I got two in back-to-back. By the time I was finished with her, she offered me the spot. I screamed “NO! Just don’t do it again, and I hope you enjoy the spot!” HOLY CRAP! I am an evil person, I really should get some help! I found another spot, got out with my huge belly blazing wanting to prove to her that I was a massive cow and she was a selfish hag!

  1. My Husband Rage- I hate you, I love you, I hate you, I love you, and I HATE you!!! This is how it goes nearly every day from sun up to sun down. I mean, this man makes me crazy. He is a smelly, filthy, annoying, all around insensitive compassionless, shithead. Some days I stare at him and think, I have to spend the rest of my life with you? Then I look in his kind sweet eyes and love him again. It’s sick, he could sit still quietly with the Harry Potter Invisible cloak on, and I would still find something he was doing annoying. Please God, let me love him again, unconditionally, as soon as possible…

  1. Hot Flash Rage—Hello fire in the hole! Over the last two weeks I have been getting hot flashes from hell. Literally, Lucifer is sending up some crazy heat that is taking over my body and making me hot and crazy. I cannot think, focus, get to sleep, nothing, I just sit still eating Flavor-ice Popsicles wondering, how in the hell can I be this hot? Last night my husband came in the bedroom and gasped at how cold it was, which I totally disagree! He said the scene reminded him of the Exorcist, because when he went to close the window I screamed, "IT'S TOO FUCKING HOT IN HERE!!" and according to him I looked very crazed. Needless to say, he backed out of the room scared to death I was going to throw something, and slept in the guest room.

  1. Job, People, and Stupidity Rage-I deal with all three on a daily basis at work. I have co-workers and clients that are just plain shocking. I ask myself at least once a day, were these people always this stupid and annoying? There is one guy, I cannot stand to be around, I want to scream at his face, no words really, just scream. He opens his mouth and I only hear noise. One girl is such a know-it-all, I want to scream at her face too. I want to put super glue on her keyboard, watch and laugh. I just have no patience with anything right now. I am sure, no I know I am stupid and annoying, I have Baby Brain for Cripes sake, but that’s not my fault! Some of the people I have encountered can clearly fix their incompetence. GEEEZ!
Look, I told you all I am an evil wicked person these days. I am not proud of it. I want to be happy and kind and loving to people, again. But, honestly for right now, it does feel good going ape shit crazy on people. I just feel bad when the rush of nutzo fades away, I stop seeing red and start seeing the disaster area I have left behind. Whatever, I am pregnant and doing the best I can! I promise I was not at all like this pre-pregnancy. I pride myself on being kind to everyone, always taking the high road and not stooping to ignorance. I swear I am a good person dammit!

BUT, if you will excuse me I need to go police something, because I feel a fit of heat and rage coming over me… >: O

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit

1 comment:

  1. This...this is just amazing. I feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one who wants to just scream in people's faces.