Nov 23, 2011

Pregnancy- The Good, The Bad & The UGLY!

  1. The very real “Pregnancy Glow”
  2. People are Extra Nice- Strangers, Family, Husband, Co-workers, EVERYONE!
  3. Feeling those precious little kicks, flutters and rolls
  4. Getting out of events that suck- Good bye Christmas Party from Hell!
  5. Maternity Leave- No need for explanation. Work is a “four-letter” word!
  6. Baby Showers- Thank God for those!
  7. The Second Trimester-Loads of energy, no sickness…what a good time that was!
  8. Ultra Sound Scan Photos- I LOVE THEM!! So what if all you see is only a face and skeleton body a mother could love. I sure as hell do!
  9. Pregnancy Amnesia-I already forgot how horrible the first trimester felt.
  10. You are growing a human in your belly!

  1. The first and third trimester
  2. Not being able to bend over-I have to spread my legs, tuck my belly and squat.
  3. Not being able to put on socks and tie shoes- So frustrating when I am home alone.
  4. Chore to rollover in bed- I actually dread going to bed now, because it is anything but sleep. Build pillow fort, go pee, build pillow fort, go pee…
  5. Belly bumps into everything. I think I can fit… and I am so wrong.
  6. Shortness of breath. I have been chasing my breath for weeks now. Scary.
  7. Baby uses bladder as a trampoline-Really! When he’s active I can pee every 5 minutes for an hour straight. I just picture him in there, Boing! Boing! Boing!
  8. Having to wear a brace all day to support a weak pelvis, hips and a big boy. I hate my brace… I also hate the back pain without it. Growing a big boy ain’t easy y’all!
  9. Buying a new wardrobe- Ugh I have the hardest time paying that much for clothes I am only going to wear for a few weeks.
  10. A nameless Baby- Yeah, so my husband and I still do not have a name for our baby, because we pretty much just plain suck.
  1. Maternity Clothes-Dammit I hate them! Three stores, four choices, and pants that give me a camel’s hoof! Leggings and long sweaters are all I wear now. My husband insists the 80’s keep calling for their clothes back. Which speaking of. He comes home the other day with a maternity shirt for me. I look at the tag and it says “Maternity 2x” I look at him and say, “Honey this is for a 2X plus size person?” He says, “ No. Its Maternity, Second Trimester. I know you are in the Third trimester, but you look really good so I got you a medium.” OMG, Mr. Piss Legs strikes again! Yes ladies, men really are that dumb!
  2. Cankles & Swollen Feet- I have knees, calves and feet. My ankles have disappeared into a fluid filled oblivion.
  3. Stretch Marks- I am one of the lucky ones with the genetics that only get the pearl colored marks and only on my butt, thighs and breasts. BUT! I have a couple of red marks on my thighs that are freaking me out. I am diligent about moisturizing, but still have heaps of pearly ones on my thighs and at 28 weeks have a couple of suspicious marks now… I still have 11 weeks to go… But, you know what? I have decided to hell with it. If I really get them bad, so be it. I am a mother now and that is just a part of the job. Plus, the red ones fade and it’s not like I am getting up on the Victoria Secret runway, EVER!
  4. Movie Theater clearing gas- Thank God it’s not like the first 20 weeks, but I can still clear a room after a good meal. It’s gotten very old, but sometimes it’s still funny!
  5. Constipation- This is not funny, unless I think about “hitting a concrete piñata” or actually repeating “hin” over and over again… But the act itself has honestly been the ugliest symptom to me by far. I’d rather not sleep for days, than not poo for days.
  6. Uncontrollable leakage- From discharge to peeing, I am OVER IT!! I mean so over it! I’m sick of changing my knickers twice a day and smelling like a senior citizens home. I’m not wearing diapers, and panty liners still stink. Eff me, I’m OVER IT! God help me if my milk factories spring a leak too!
  7. Hot flashes- I am so thankful I am entering winter, and feel so sorry for my sister in-law in Australia due in April, during the height of summer there… Tina two words- Air Conditioner! Two more, Muumuus and Thongs (flip-flops)… Guess what… Two more- HATING IT! The hot flashes are crazy. No rhyme or reason, just fire in the hole!
  8. Weight Gain- I have Cellulite on my back and calves- Holy shit, where does it come from!! I am a “pear” shape, so I carry extra weight in my butt and thighs already. I have never in my life had so much extra weight on my lower back and calves though. My backside down to my cankles is covered with it, I seriously look like I got hit with a bag of rocks!
  9. The Bad Attitude- I have the shortest fuse and worst potty mouth of my life! So much for classy and lady like, F%@k, Pi$$, and $#!t are my favorite words…
  10. Two sets of tits- Seriously! I have the normal two, then two more that have recently sprouted out from my armpits. I guess they are creating a reservoir because my own boobs cannot possible grow anymore. Thankfully the two new ones don’t have nipples so the baby will not be confused.

Ahhhh, the Joys O’ Pregnancy… All in all I’d say its Good… But when it’s Bad, It’s Bad…and when it’s ugly it’s F-UGLY! Still, I wouldn’t change a thing, if it meant changing a thing about my beautiful little boy growing in my belly. ; )

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit