Sep 27, 2011

Pregnancy Depression

It should come as no surprise that I have been struggling with my pregnancy and emotions since the beginning. I have struggled with uncontrollable crying, fear and frustration on a daily basis since week 5. In addition to losing control of my body I am certain that I have completely lost the plot too. My husband has mentioned on multiple occasions how much he cannot wait to have his wife back. I just laugh when he says that because all I can is think is, YOU WANT YOUR WIFE BACK?  I WANT MY SANITY BACK!

I spent a few weeks in such a dark place that I became really afraid of what affect it was having on my baby.  It is depressing to be depressed during a time that is supposed to be so “beautiful.”  I have had to stop caring about what people think and say about pregnancy just to make it through most days. About a month a go I told my doctor that I was miserable, crying all of the time and having a really hard time.  She prescribed me ZOLOFT and promised me it was ok for me to take.  I told her I just could not take it, I didn’t feel like I was at that level of depression…yet.  She asked me to please at least fill the prescription and put it in my medicine cabinet just in case.  I never did. I am just so afraid to take anything during my pregnancy. 

I decided that day instead of taking medicine I would work extra hard to mentally combat my depression. I would gain control and fight the devil that was stealing my beautiful pregnancy. Still, I feel awful most of the time, run down, achy, cranky, frustrated, fat and all together my life seems like it is out of control.  Last night I cried and cried about how my life was not ready to bring a baby into it, I was having a full on pity party. After about 10 minutes of freaking out I knew I needed to gain control of my life and emotions Pronto! I got up off of the floor, put away my clothes and cleaned up the kitchen, my best try at gaining some control at midnight. It worked, I gave myself hope that I would make necessary changes before the baby came into my world and was finally able to get to sleep. …Then I woke up this morning frustrated, annoyed and furious with my job, and so began the battle again... Depression is a constant battle and the bottom line is that I do need help, that’s all there is to it.

I am embarking on finding a “magic pill” a.k.a, a healthy cure for pregnancy depression.  The only thing that scares me more about pregnancy-induced depression is postpartum depression.  I am terrified of Postpartum Depression. I have to gain control now before my baby comes, then it is even more difficult to learn the tools necessary for peace in the depression storm.

I have already started asking my Pregnancy Sisterhood network for answers.  So far I have found this short list of tools to use to help find peace.

  1. Meditate- I had to ask her to elaborate because I have tried meditation and failed… She told me to try to refocus on the baby, and how wonderful it will be to be a mother and the beauty within it.  Basically focus on good thoughts.
  2. Go for a Walk- I agree with this, once I get out I feel better.  Exercise is always a great way to combat the blahs. It's the first step that's the hardest.
  3. Eat Healthy-I know this one, but if you are like me it is so much easier said than done.  I do try to keep fruit or crackers on hand. I know when I get hungry I get cranky.
  4. Minimize- It is important during pregnancy to shed the old ways and unnecessary dramas to make way for a more organized drama-free life with baby.
  5. Stay busy- Take up a project to prepare for baby, a hobby or join a women’s group, even if it is just an online book club.  I get this one.  Idle hands and minds are the devils… sorry, I’m southern I couldn’t resist that… Still I stay busy and focused, I stay sane…

This is a beginning short list, I need more answers and ideas. I need to be a happy mother for my sweet baby, I need to be a loving wife to my husband, I need to be kind to society, and I need to find peace for me. I know there are natural remedies for pregnancy depression, I know I will find them, I bloody have to. When I find these magic answers I promise you will be the first to know!

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit


  1. My pleasure... well the depression part is not but finding relief will be!

  2. Three time I have been pregnant, and three times I have been sick, angry, and depressed. However, twice before (I'm currently preg with #3) as soon as I've had the baby I'm over-joyed and basically back to myself. I figure struggling with pre-partum depression = no post-partum depression. I know everyone's different, but hopefully that provides you some hope...

  3. I'm not sure if i mentioned this already but I have rheumatoid arthritis it's not in one area it's my whole body it even effects my organs and reduce's my life by 10 years. As you can imagine for such a horrible disease means horrible drugs. My main drug is a chemotherapy drug ( I had to stop this to get pregnant as it's also used to abort) my pain killer is not far from morphine. I've had to stop them all but only once I found out I was pregnant, but to control the pain I need to get steroid injections. I need to decide between pain, not sleeping and being so depressed about it, and taking drugs that can effecting the baby. With my son I wasn't given this option and it's one of the reasons I have waited 3 years to have number 2. Once baby is hear I need to choose between drugs which will allow me to lift the baby or no drugs so I can breast feed. Not sure about there but here in the uk they really push breast feeding and you can get judged for not breast feeding.

    The reason for all this background is, only you can decide what's best for you, the doctors won't prescribe something to put you or the baby at risk and those who want to judge will judge regardless, I was even asked 'if your disabled should you even have a child?' I take these drugs to be able to function physically which is no different to functioning mentally. Do what is best for you, if that means taking these tablets so be it!

  4. @Anonymous-thank you, I am really struggling with this and if pre-partum does not mean post-partum for sure, there is hope!

    @Claire-Thank you for sharing and making me cry! I am sorry to hear that you really are in a position that cannot be controlled with anything less than tablets or excruciating pain. It really puts it into prospective, also your son is beautiful, you really have given me a lot to think about! I am also annoyed that there really are people in this world with the audacity to ask you if you should even have a child! Another of my issues with this is wondering if I am just being a Big baby with a low mental pain threshold, I just feel so out of control. I really am so grateful for you... If nothing else this blog was worth the work to get to meet you.

    Now about breast feeding... I do run into women who push breast feeding as the only way to be a good mother but for the most part formula is just as widely accepted in the States. BUT! In my case being married to an Aussie, I WILL BREAST FEED DAMMIT! Sometimes he scares me the way he talks about it, I think he A. is jealous that he can't whip out his teet and do it himself (which I wish he could) and B. expects me to breast feed this child into primary school! All I can say is I will give it 110%.

  5. Didn't mean to make you cry, sounds like you've done enough of that. Don't feel sorry for me I do that enough at times, I just get angry with the lack of understanding by some of our doctors. Even though I couldn't due to the drugs I was on, one midwife even went as far as wiping my breast out and trying to get my son to latch on. He didn't and that was the closest he got. I'm all up for breast feeding if you can but from what I here it's not always that easy. But my only advise is don't become a martter to it, my neighbour who dispite only having a 4 month old is trying to give me advise about my 3 year old and about telling what pregnancy is like. Laughable really, anyway she's breastfeeding but dispite not having a full night sleep since his birth and dispite even now doing a mixture of breast and bottle she still insist on complaining about how tired she is but won't make hubby get up with him, like it somehow makes her the best mummy! Which ever you choose let it work for you, if you try one and feel it doesn't work there are worse things.

    PS your is my 1st and only blog I've ever read and I already worry about what I'll do when you stop! I love it!!

  6. First, anything and everything makes me cry, good or bad, second I coun't feel sorry for you, I think you are fabulous and God knows you have the cutest most talented family! I may pity you a little for your next door neighbor though... ; )

    I coulnd't agree more about the breast feeding, I tell my husband "of course honey." But, My best friend is seriously the mother of the year and she had the worst time trying to breast feed, it came down to make her son starve or feed him formula. I will be the first to admit I have no idea what to expect or what I am doing. The only thing I have learned so far is that everone is different and there is no way I can think I am text book anything. If it works, yay I save heaps of money, if it doesn't formula it is and I have big healthy boys like You, My Bff and Sister. Win/Win Hubby can stuff it!

    And, thank you for reading my blog and loving it, I need to hear that. Don't worry about me stopping... I love to write and find so much peace in it, I need this blog to help anchor me during this pregnancy. I also have no doubt there will be a mommy blog to follow... xxxxx

  7. I can't tell you how excited I am to hear that you will be creating a mommy blog. I know I will need that as much as I have needed your pregnancy blog. I'm so glad our babies are so close in age. You and your blog truly make me feel not alone.

  8. So sweet foodpixie.... God help us all if it's called tiredofbeingamommy on day 4! I love to write it's the one thing I pray I never have to stop doing.