Sep 29, 2011

Oops, did I do that? Sorry I’m pregnant…

Since being pregnant I not only have had to drastically change my life and habits, I have made a complete fool of myself and all but "forgoted" (one of my many new words) my name,  well only my last name because every once in a while I forget I'm married and switch to my maiden name... I seriously apologize for my pregnancy foolishness at least every other day, I would say everyday but I am getting better at playing off stupid. The following are awesome things I have done or can no longer do since being pregnant. Here is a glimpse into my new life.

  1. Lets get the obvious and unfortunate things I can no longer do out of the way…. Smoking, drinking, wearing re-donk-u-lous-ly high stiletto heals, dance like no one is watching, eat raw fish, sleep, poop, be nice to my husband, have patience, pretend like I actually care what people are talking about when I really don’t, drive down the road without dropping the “f” bomb on every dumb ass that got their license out of a happy meal box, win a Triathlon (ok, that was never going to happen…) use a public restroom with multiple stalls because it never fails that the second I sit down I, in the words of my husband, drop a 45 second “gut” that would rival a massive man after he’s just won a chili eating contest, have a clear complexion, hold a thought, remember anything unless I write it down or set an alarm on my phone, keep myself from crying at anything-maybe I need to call an agent so I can win an Oscar for crying on cue (hmmm), And so much more I cannot think of because the baby ate my brain! Oh, and my favorite, I can no longer clean out the cat box, YEAH BOY!!!!

2. Now for the awesome things I can do and forgive me have done since being pregnant…

  • Gained heaps of weight-how much I don’t know because the smartest thing I have done since getting knocked up is NOT look at the scale at the doctors office-I just know because my clothes don’t fit and have not for a while. Plus, my thighs are so covered in little dents they look like they have just barely survived a hail storm.

  • I have gone up 2-cup sizes in bras; these things are huge and have what looks like rivers of blue flowing through them.

  • Locked my husband and myself out of the house even though he asked if I had the keys, and I said yes. That went over very well by the way.

  • I tried to put my rubbish in a mailbox in the middle of a strip mall parking lot--no wonder American mailmen go “postal,” pregnant women are dropping their crap for post.

  • I can no longer keep a secret, since I forget it is a secret.

  • I bump my bump into EVERYTHING! And I am already thinking I need to trade my car in for an SUV or Crossover so I can continue to drive.

  • If I don’t pull into a Dairy Queen drive-through or violate an ice cream parlor at least once every 4 days my world becomes incomplete.

  • I have long conversations with friends, coworkers and even clients, turn around walk away and realize I cannot remember one word or even the topic of the conversation! Whoops, there goes those moments of my life I will never get back.

  • I have considered sewing all of my pillows together into a body suit so every time I turn over at night I don't have to re-adjust my little war bunker.

  • I forget everything!  I forget to pay the bills, where I set my hand bag down, where my keys are, what I ate for breakfast, what day it is, when and where my appointments are, to feed the cat, Everything!  I actually bought a personal pocket planner two months ago to write down the things I seem to never be able to remember. Well, I never write in it because I always forget to! Welcome to my world...

There really is so much more, but Surprise I forgot! I want to know what your favorite awesome pregnancy things are?

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit