Sep 7, 2011

Oh Geez! Honey can you help me put on my socks and shoes?

This morning I nearly had to have my husband help me put my shoes and socks on.  In fact, if I were not so prideful I would have called for his help rather than nearly pee on myself.  I cannot believe I am only half way through my pregnancy and already having these issues!  My husband thinks it’s funny as hell and cannot wait until I need his help to get dressed. I think it’s another evil joke pregnancy is playing on my body and psyche.

Did I miss the chapter in “What to expect when you’re expecting” on helpless fatty fatty boom boom coping skills?  All I could picture this morning is my arthritic stiff grandmother with her grabber tool pulling her socks on her feet.  I officially need that grabber tool to get dressed too!

I called my sister, mother of two, for support and all I got was, “wait until the day when your belly is so big that you can no longer see your feet, your breasts actually look small in comparison and you can't bend over to tie your shoes.  Or worse yet the day will come when you think about "trimming up" down there so you get a mirror to assist because you can't see over or around the hugeness of your belly, then you start crying because you realize your only other option is asking your husband for help or growing a bush the size of Texas!”  OMG!!  I couldn’t listen to it, I stuck my fingers in my 33-year-old virgin ears and sang a song about my happy place. 

While I am telling stories of sibling pregnancy gossip… During my sister's first pregnancy she told me she was so constipated that while in the act of "excavation" she was actually screaming at the blockage to come out of her "effing" body.  When it finally came it was so hard and big it would not flush. She was forced to actually fish it out of the toilet, put it in a zip lock bag and take it outside to the garbage bin. I laughed until I cried and gasped for air, then I told anyone who would listen the story. Let me just tell you I am living proof Karma is a Bitch!  To all the pregnant ladies out there: Beware and for the Love of God, eat LOTS and LOTS of fiber rich foods, because after talking to a few other mothers I am convinced this happens to EVERY pregnant woman at least once.

I’m so sick of hearing people tell me my pregnancy is going to get better.  Every week it seems to be getting more uncomfortable and embarrassing, certainly not better!  On top of it all, I have a HUGE baby bump for the projected 19 weeks I am at… The consensus of my friends and family who have done this pregnancy thing before think I am at least a month ahead of  the 19 weeks.  I have my next ultra sound/scan in 2 weeks and cannot wait to figure out what is going on inside of me! Speaking of Karma I have no doubt it is a girl, I gave my mom hell and should receive nothing less. 

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit


  1. OMG . . . Veru funny!!! Love your blogs . . . keep it coming!!!

  2. Ok, ok... your pregnancy is not going to get better. But you ARE going to stop caring about the embarrassing things quite so much. With only a few weeks left to go, I love when I feel a fart coming - They clear the room and I get a little peace and quite time. No, I can no longer put on my shoes by myself without squishing the baby - but I've realized that Christian actually likes helping with this task... yes, partially because he finds it funny... but more so because he feels like he's needed and enjoys helping 'his ladies'. As for needing a trim? After a certain point, even a mirror can't help. You will break down and ask him. Actually, you will probably be like me and just inform him that it's now his duty and he doesn't have any choice. And he will do it because he loves you. Other glorious changes that you haven't mentioned/experienced yet? You will waddle. Kind of like a duck. And people will comment how cute it is. And, yes, you will hate them initially. Also, getting out of a car will require assistance or multiple tries. I now keep a cane in the car to help me when I'm alone. Needless to say, I feel very gimpy and can't wait to get my body back!

    But, then again... waking up in the middle of the night because your little one has the hiccups or has decided it's time for a little dance - I think I'm going to be very sad when I no longer need help putting my shoes on.